Fear...

On day two of my Wicca book, it asked me to look at a set of words and write down what I knew about them, how the non-Wiccan world might view the words, and how I personally felt about the words. That was a simple task, I wrote down exactly as I was asked, and awaited my next assignment. On day three, I was asked to look back on all on what I had jotted down and pick one word that may possibly symbolize then majority of my feelings toward the words... And I have found myself pondering for the last couple days.
     I noticed I always started talking about my catholic background and how I always justified hiding my pagan practices with the fact that my family found ways of reprimanding, or looking badly upon, or tabooing the practices. Mostly, it was done to pacify the Christian atmosphere... But I also did so in a way to search for a medium. A means by which I could possibly fuse my beliefs and make them all into one. There had to be a way that the way I was brought up, and this new path I had chosen to go into could coincide.
     But why then did my practices lay dormant for almost five years? And three of these five years, why did I run around a church and surround myself with bible studies and Sunday sermons? I believe my word shall be FEAR. I spent three years advancing from 1st communion to confirmation... learning. You know, I almost chose to go to church every Sunday and sing in the choir over this beautiful world I have now dived into. But the words of the bible and harshly misconstrued in this day and age.
     "Such 'wisdom' does not come down from up above but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil." (James 3:15) This is what is said of spell casting and speaking in rhyme. Of following moon and sun phases and reading tarot spreads... But how is something "earthly" considered unspiritual and of the devil? Evil exists amongst all of us, but the devil himself does not exist. And most certainly, practices of divination and spell casting are always done in good will, and never by dark forces if done by a true witch. And everything that we do is very much so spiritual, in fact, I have found that people that follow pagan paths, or even those such as Buddhism or Muslim religions, are more in touch with their spiritual selves then any Christian could ever imagine. Ohhhh! But it's ok for them to have earthly beliefs! "For those nations, which you will dispossess, listen to those who practice witchcraft and diviners, but as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do so." (Deuteronomy 18:14) In other words saying, it is okay for those other countries to remain ignorant and worship idols, for they shall soon be conquered, and even killed. Or this could even be seen as, "It's okay for them to do it. its just not ok for you to do it." But that is also not so. That could be misconstrued at meaning one could easily befriend a witch or a spiritualist... but read on.
     "These are rebellious people, deceitful children, unwilling to listen to God's instruction." (Isaiah 30:9) The way I see it, I sat around and I listened to as much as I felt necessary. I was very willing. I am in no way of any deceitful mind, although I admit quite a bit rebellious. I take into great consideration God's word. There are some things worth taking in and grasping, such as some the ten commandments per example: thou shalt not commit adultery, not steal, not murder, not lie, thou shall honor thy mother and father... They are all instructions of God... which I dont mind following, so how am I in any way unwilling to follow His law?
     I remember at one point when I was a teenager and I used to have my little make shift alter on top of my dresser, it pacified my grandmother to see a picture of the Virgin Mary in the Middle of my altar. To her it was me giving in to her nagging and having her believe I had reverted to the correct religious ways. In my head, I needed a goddess image. In my mind the way I saw it, if God is God, and the Virgin Mary is Jesus's mother, then that very well merits her Goddess position... In most christian religions she isn't even considered a saint! So her picture served as a mother image of the goddess to me.
     When I started going to bible school and started learned how "terrible" of a sin it was to be, 1. Bisxual and 2. Of pagan practices, for one I was damned to hell for all eternity according to the Catholic church, and for another, there had to be something I could do about it! And here I thought God was all forgiving and of the sorts. I started changing the way i practiced my rituals once i started bible school. When it came to calling the guardians of the watch towers, I at one point started calling up saints instead, and when it came to spells and magic, I used God and His blessings and still to all harm none. I stopped using rhyme and started praying, visualizing and meditating while staring at candles. I found that my new ways, at least the visualizing and meditating, had a stronger effect on my matters at hand. But apparently, even this Way of doing things, is wrong. "Many will say to me 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, cast out devils in your name, and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I shall tell them to their face, "I never knew you, out of my sight, you and your wicked ways! '" Matthew (7:22) Even if I performed my rituals in the name of God... In the name of Jesus, or in the name of saints or virgins... The sin still stands. I am still practicing a ritual, just like a witch would. I am still performing magic, which is wisdom of "earthly" types, therefore, of the devil.
     Even if I were to become some born again Catholic, it would not be enough to be a devout Catholic! "Let no one be found among you... Who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritualist." Deuteronomy (18:10-11) Yes, my dearest witch family, it is a good thing that at this time of great study and contemplation I had no pagan relatives! Can't be one, can't be around one. See how that little quote above could NOT be so easily twisted to one's favor?
     I wasn't going to sit in a church and question my views on spirituality for the rest of my life... I viewed it differently before Wicca or paganism had anything to to WITH ME. I always saw things differently...  Life and the world around me makes sense away from church...
     I mentioned at the beginning of this journal entry that my word for day three will be fear. I've had such a great fear of moving forward in Wicca and the pagan path for so long. Fear of having myself a permanent altar, of practicing my rituals outside ad being seen along with candles and incense burning and being questioned; scared of not practicing the right thing or not reading the appropriate material, of simply doing something wrong! Fear of just being me and going with the flow... and letting things happen. Fear is what will be melting away when I do the exercise tomorrow. I will be letting go of all restraint that I have on my self and be more free about my spiritual and religious ways. I hope that my wishes become so.